


On days I didn't expect

by JudeWinchester



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, cute boys and stupid feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeWinchester/pseuds/JudeWinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started off very slow and very late like most things in Haruka's life, but because it went unnoticed he felt like it happened in an instant.</p>
<p>In which Haruka is a little clueless with his feelings, Makoto discovers he can be a little greedy, Nagisa deals with jealousy, Rin desperately wants to bond with his new dorky friend and Rei gets caught in the middle of it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Haruka's Case

**Author's Note:**

> I am very rusty with writing but please enjoy.
> 
> Enjoy!

It started off very slow and very late like most things in Haruka's life, but because it went unnoticed he felt like it happened in an instant.

  
-

  
If Haru had to guess when it all actually started he supposed it had to of been when Rei's antics became funny rather than strange. There was one day in particular.

  
_'Rei-chan, who would you want to go out with among the guys here?' Nagisa asked. A day of stupid conversations. The benefits of having Nagisa as a friend. Haru would never admit it out loud but these stupid conversations were actually pretty enjoyable._

  
_'Myself, of course!'_

  
_At the time, he thought it was a stupid answer._

  
_'.... That's....um.... kind of sad.' Nagisa admitted after an awkward passing of silence._

  
_'Really sad.' Haru added._

  
And there was a moment. It was a very small, almost unnoticeable moment. Right before the question was switched to Makoto that he saw a very, very brief smile on Rei. So brief it almost felt imaginary, like it didn't even happen. Haru didn't think much of it at the time, hell he hardly even noticed that he saw it himself! But after school, after practice, walking home in the orange glow of a setting sun with Makoto; that was when that smile came back to him.

  
What a strange answer. What a weird guy. What was that smile for?

  
Rei was the type of person that no one should judge by surface value. His whole personality reminded Haru of a nervous bungee jumper. Scared, confused and almost regretting their choice to jump because why-oh-why was this ever a good idea? But after a big puff of air and a slap of confidence, he'd be the very first one to go.

  
Guts. Rei definitely had guts.

  
He had guts with what he did and what he said, though not in the most obvious of ways. When Rei would say he'd do something amazingly perfect, he didn't say it because of a faux sense of self security that he would actually do it perfect. Yes he had confidence but he wasn't that much of a twat that he really believed he could do _everything._ He said it to put himself in a mindset to try his hardest to do it amazingly, even if it didn't quite turn out that way.

And when Rei boast about how he was a perfect candidate for... well... anything to his friends, he didn't say it because he thought it was true. He said it because he knew he was a strange, giddy, weird person. So in contrast of announcing how "perfect" and "beautiful" you are was actually pretty funny, and that was his goal. To make it funny so his friends could laugh. Though, they didn't always get it and that could get a little awkward sometimes.

  
Rei didn't give that answer because he was self-centered, or narcissistic or cocky. He said it because he was... he made himself to be...

  
"Satire." At least his humor was, whether Rei consciously knew about this or not, he couldn't really say. Haru hadn't realized he mumbled part of his thought out loud, catching Makoto's attention.

  
"Huh? What was that, Haru?"

  
"Rei. He's satire." Haruka explained in the most simple and straight forward answer he could give.

  
Rei didn't honestly believed the things he said about himself, he said it because he thought the contrast was funny. Unfortunately no one really got it, Haru included. Which was a shame because without that understanding, it usually made Rei to came off sounding a bit of a cock. But it was okay if they didn't get it, maybe one day they will. Friendship is an every growing thing and god dammit it was still funny. Which was why Rei smiled. At least that's what Haru thought.

  
"What?" Makoto asked utterly confused. Oh Makoto.

  
Now Makoto. Makoto could read Haru easily sometimes, which honestly someone should give him a pat on the back for because even Haru had to admit that he was a pretty damn difficult person to be around at times, let alone read. That being said Makoto was really only good with catching the simple thoughts and ideas. What Makoto couldn't catch were the train of thoughts. Which Haru was thankful for because sometimes that mind reading thing could get really annoying. So in moments like these, when Haru could absolutely confuse and baffle Makoto, he'd secretly bask in the glory of his victory while his friend would stand by with the ever proud 'I give up' shoulder shlump.

  
Occasionally confusing or pissing off Makoto was a favorite pastime of Haru. This art form was actually really easy to do.

  
Step one: pick a subject.  
It could be who or whatever you want as long as it gets you thinking for a while.

  
Step two: Go beyond connecting to point B when starting from point A.  
Make it a goal to have to go through at least five different connections to come to a satisfactory conclusion or something close to a conclusion. The longer the train of thought, the better.

  
Step three: Announce your conclusion as simple as possible.  
If you can, try to get it down to five words or less.

  
Step four: Don't explain steps one through three.  
Dismiss the idea if your party asks for an explanation. If they persist for an answer just repeat step three until the party has given up their inquiry.

  
Step five: Congratulate yourself, you have now successfully confused your friend.  
For full effect do this sparingly, otherwise it will become dull and your party will get use to this habit.

  
To Haru, these long trains of thoughts made complete sense to him, and as long as it made sense to him it didn't matter if no one else understood because why would that part matter?

  
"Haru?" Makoto said after no reply from Haru.

  
"Just a thought." He finally answered, not wanting to go through the effort of explaining himself because that would ruin the spoils of his victory. And he just didn't feel like wasting his breath.

  
"Oh. Okay then." Makoto replied, wanting to inquiry him a bit further about what was going through his friend's head but instead decided to drop it.

  
-

  
If Haru had to pick a time when he started to notice this feeling it would probably have been the day of the relay. It was after the race, at home, that Haru entirely realized Rei's sacrifice and once he did it hit him hard enough to leave him where he was now.

  
Laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. Utterly dazed and confused.

  
Most people wouldn't have done what Rei did. A lot of people, wouldn't have done what Rei did. Not Nagisa, not Makoto and definitely not himself. Was it easier for Rei to give up his spot because he hadn't been in the sport for that long, the lack of seniority fueling his nerves?

  
_'No. That's not it, he's too dedicated to just throw away his spot without a good reason.'_

  
And for the first time Haru felt like Rei did when he wanted to know about the bad blood with Rin. He wanted to know why.

  
Why? Why would he do that? Was Rei not feeling well? Did he do it to have leverage on all of them? There were so many possibilities and none of them seem to fit the reason. They were friends, yes but Haru didn't realize how close they all were. The more Haru thought about it, the more he realized the obvious answer that he was trying to avoid because he couldn't fathom someone to be that kind. 

  
Rei gave up his spot for the sake of his friends.

  
That was it, that was the only reason Rei needed to do what he did. As stated before, he guy was a man of action but in a much more subtle way. Don't know how to swim? _I'll keep trying to find a way until I can._ Too chicken shit to confront your old friend? _I can handle that._ Need an ultimate way to reconnect and bond with your old friend? _I got you covered on that too._ Need a good laugh? _Well I don't know any jokes but watch me do this!_

  
Rei has been dragged along and left behind several times but he still managed to smile at them sincerely because that's just the type of person he was. Haru realized, without meaning to, he had taken Rei for his surface value for quite a while and the guilt was terrible.

  
What shitty friends they were to Rei.

  
Even with that thought in mind, Haru was sure Rei would deny that, he wouldn't have sacrificed his spot if he thought that was true.

  
_'Maybe we should all do something together again soon.'_ Haruka thought, sitting up and arching his back to relieve the tension in his muscles from laying on the hard floor for so long.

  
_'I think there's a festival coming up.'_ It would be nice if they all went and had fun somewhere together. It wouldn't be enough to repay Rei, but it would make him smile and that sounded like a good start. 

  
-

  
If Haru had to pick a time when these feelings would start causing some trouble, it would have to be that day at the market, when Rei was by himself.

  
It was strange seeing Rei without Nagisa by his side. As clichéd as it was, the two were peas in a pod. If you were looking for one, it wouldn't be a surprise to find the other, much like Makoto and himself. Haru recognized this but he didn't realize it until he saw Rei on his own that day. Did that make sense? It did to Haru... sort of.

  
Walking up to Rei's side, the younger too busy paying attention to his choices to notice him yet. Haru pause just for a moment to see what Rei was shopping for. Mackerel?

  
"Good evening, Rei." Man, that sounded awkward. A little cold too, Haru really had to work on his peoples skills. At least with his friends. Rei twitched a bit from surprise and look over to his right. Instantly a big smile came to his face and it felt like Haru had seen him smile for the first time.

  
"Haruka-sempai, good evening to you too." Rei greeted. Haru nodded his head, and glanced over at the packaged mackerel, then his eyes wandered to hand basket in Rei's arm. There was nothing wrong with being a little curious about what your friend was shopping for, right?

  
"Pineapple?" Haru questioned making Rei glance down at his basket and blush slightly. A bashful smile, Rei almost looked guilty.

  
"Y-yeah. Remember that pizza you made back at the training camp?" Rei asked, continuing when Haru nodded his head. "Well, every once in a while I make it again. I kind of like it. My mom and brother did too. Not so much my father." He nervously laughed to himself, again looking as if his big secret had just been found.

  
"Oh... you didn't really seem to have any opinion of it then." Which was true. He remembered Rei giving it funny looks but he never really said if it was good or bad.

  
"I guess it's just one of those things that slowly come up on you, it's different and weird in the beginning so you don't instantly take a liking to it but after a few times you really appreciate the different taste." Rei explained the best he could. "It's kind of my guilty pleasure, I guess."

  
He liked it. Rei actually like some weird thing Haru made, enough so that he made it for himself, even shared it with his family. Haru wondered, what other things he could make that Rei would like. He made just about everything with mackerel though so the interest might become fleeting. Before Haru could speak, he heard someone call out for his spectacled friend from behind the two.

  
"Reeeeiii-chhhaaannn!" Nagisa. Of course. "You're taking forever! I want to get ice cream before we go- oh! Haru-chan!" Nagisa bounded up, Haru stared.

  
"You shopping for dinner, Haru-chan? I'm eating at Rei-chan's tonight! He's making that weird pizza you made a while ago." Nagisa said with a giggle at the end of his sentence.

  
Nagisa already knew Rei did that? How did he find out? How long? Was he invited? Did he invite himself? Did he ever leave Rei alone? How often did these two hang around each other? How annoying.

  
Haru stopped his thoughts there. This strange animosity he was feeling towards Nagisa, that was new. It wasn't strong enough for him to call it hate. Far from that, Nagisa was his close friend, he just felt annoyed. He was jealous.

 

What an ugly feeling. It felt foreign to Haru, probably because he never really got jealous, which was probably why it bothered Haru more than he would've liked.

  
It wasn't anything new to anyone that the two boys spent a lot of time together, they were best friends after all. But then, if Nagisa was Rei's best friend, what kind of level did Rei put himself with Haru? A friend? A team-mate? Did Rei did what he did at the relay just for Nagisa? Because he wanted to see his best friend happy? The relationship Haru had with Rei, they were more than team mates. They were friends, right?

  
"- you want to, Haruka-sempai."

  
"Huh?" Haru didn't realize he tuned out the world while he was in his own head. The worst part about jealousy was that it tend to give you a big side serving of insecurity, which didn't help with Haru's constant rambling thoughts.

  
"Haru-chan, don't be rude and tune us out! Rei-chan asked if you wanted to join us." Nagisa said for Rei in a playful huff.

  
"Oh. No, thank you." Rei and Nagisa exchanged glances, a secret language passed between the two without either one of them saying a word which only made Haruka have another twinge of jealousy. This sucked, he felt left out and he didn't like it. The two looked back at Haruka with all smiles.

  
"Well you're welcomed anytime, Haruka-sempai." Rei grabbed a package of mackerel and put in the hand basket. As soon as he did Nagisa grabbed his available forearm, pulling it like a small, bored child would do to his mother.

  
"Rei-chan, let's go! I'm getting hungry." Rei let out a sigh and looked at Haruka once more. "Have a good evening, Haruka-sempai."

  
"See you at school tomorrow, Haru-chan!" Nagisa chimed in with a friendly wave goodbye, blabbing on about what sweets to get as he dragged Rei away.

 

  
-

 

  
If Haru had to pick a time when he started to recognize this feeling, it would probably have been the fourth time he "accidentally" spent the day with Rei. How do you accidentally spend a day with someone?

  
Well to understand the fourth "accident" you'd have to hear about the first accident, which was an actual accident. The other three times? You'd have to ask Haru himself.

  
The first accident started on a sunday, at an office supply shop, Haru was there for new rubbers and a few pens. He thought about browsing, because really he had nothing to do for the day but before he could really decide, he spotted him. Rei was by himself again, at least Haru was sure he was, in the art supply section. Because the store was more for offices and schools, the arts section wasn't very big to begin with, so there wasn't a lot of interesting things in it. But there he was, browsing the pens and pencils which was a little strange because Rei didn't really seem like the artistic type.

  
Haru walked up behind Rei as quietly as he could. He didn't know why but he felt like being a little mischievous, it just seemed like the right setting. Few people in the store, Rei deep in thought and no Nagisa around. At least he hoped there wasn't a Nagisa around, it would kind of kill his mood at the moment. Haru stared at Rei's back, his eyebrows furrowed close together and his mouth in a tight-lipped frown. He was concentrating.

  
What would be the best way to freak out Rei?

  
Haru squared his shoulders as he straighten himself up, puffed up his chest and in the highest octave he could make without it being too obnoxiously high-pitched.

  
"Rei-chan!" Almost immediately Rei's entire body jolted. The case of pencils he had in his hand slipped out of his hand and he fumbled one

  
two

  
three

  
four, five, six, seven times before he bopped it too hard, graciously smacking himself in the face with the case. It clattered to the floor and Rei deflated a bit.

  
A bit embarrassed and a lot of confused, Rei took a moment to collect himself before turning around. There was quite a few things Rei expected when he turned around, Haru was not one of them.

  
Rei look to the left, then to the right, and one more time to the left before looking back at Haru.

  
"Did someone just.... was I.... you.... I.... what?" Haru was surprised with his own handi-work, he actually had to suppress himself to not laugh at Rei. "Haruka-sempai?" Rei said, as if questioning Haru's existence. "Did someone.... call me?"

  
"It was me." Haru answered quickly. He'd never seen Rei so bewildered and it was actually pretty wonderful. Rei pointed to Haru then to himself.

  
"...R-rei-chan?" Rei repeated and Haru nodded, as if giving him a signal that yes that really did happen.

  
"Why?" Rei asked, still limited to simple conversation because seriously what the hell was that!

  
"I thought it would be funny."

  
"Oh. I thought... I thought it was Nagisa-kun." Rei admitted which made that weird twinge happen in Haru again. Not wanting that feeling to stay and blossom into something he knew would be unjust towards Nagisa, he decided to start steering the conversation in another direction. One with more words.

  
"You don't draw, why were you looking at these?" He questioned while staring down at the case of pencils that still graced the floor.

  
"These?" Rei picked up the case, inspecting it for just a second to see if any damage had been done from the fall. "Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Or I guess, in this case, it's think of the devil." He said mostly to himself, which only bothered Haru. What the hell did that mean?

  
"What?" He questioned and Rei blushed ever so slightly, probably because he said a thought out loud without meaning to.

  
"Sorry, I was just thinking these would be nice for you to have because you're really good at drawing, Haruka-sempai."

  
There was a flutter inside of Haru, an almost giddy, really nice feeling. He supposed it couldn't be helped, how could that not make you happy? _I saw this and thought of you._ How are you suppose to react to that? It made Haruka feel light but it made his palms feel a little sweaty. He should say something, right? Like a thank you, right?

  
"So when you saw these pencils, you thought of the devil?" Haru said flatly. He wasn't mad, he was still happy but because his brain couldn't really handle what he was feeling it went to plan B: tease Rei again.

  
"W-what?"

  
"You said earlier, speak of the devil. So you were calling me the devil." Rei shook his head.

  
"No! I wasn't-... it was an expression."

  
"Then I'm an angel."

  
"You're not that either!"

  
"Then you do think I'm the devil."

  
"Haruka-sempai!"

  
Rei looked flustered and Haruka seemed amused.

  
-

  
From the supply store, Haru followed Rei to the book store. Rei didn't mind and Haru just wanted to.

  
"You read more than just theory and study books?" Haru asked, surprised when Rei picked up a mystery novel. He knew he read a lot, one look at his room could tell you that before he had to but Haru never really imagined Rei to read fictional stories for leisure.

  
Rei gave him a pointed look, not entirely sure if he should have taken Haru's remark as an insult or not. His expression almost screamed _'I'm not that much of a nerd'_ which made Haru's face twitch into the beginnings of a smile. "Yes but I don't go out of my way to squeeze it into everyday conversation." He answered, opening the book to hear the ever satisfying crack of the back binding and flipping the pages simply because that's what he liked to do with all the new books bought.

  
"Why not?" Haru questioned, it was refreshing and curious to him to find out different things about Rei.

  
"Fictional books are a bit more of a selective interest because it branches out into a wide range of different themes, subjects and plots. It's an easy way to bore someone unless they've read the material themselves," Rei sighed, his expression changing to a defeated look "and Nagisa-kun says I... 'nerd out too much' about these. So I just... keep it to myself." Rei looked back at Haru with a neutral expression. "It's kind of the reason I keep this day to myself," Haru gave him a curious look and Rei continued "Don't tell Nagisa-kun but I always tell him I can't go out on sundays because I spend it studying, when really I just use it for myself." he confessed with a shy smile.

  
"Oh. Am I intruding?" He asked, wondering if Rei didn't say anything before just because he didn't want to possibly be rude to his sempai, which it wouldn't have been but it would've made Haru feel a little closed out.

  
"No, not at all! It's different if it's you." Rei blushed slightly, not meaning to answer as quickly as he did. Haru shuffled his feet and glanced at the array of novels on the book shelf. There was that warm light feeling again that he wasn't use to, he never knew hearing these types of things could do so much to a person.

  
"I want to look at the cook books." Haru suggested, Rei chuckled and followed Haru who head their way to the hobbies and cooking section of the store.

  
-

  
"Haruka-sempai, do you mind if we stop here?" Rei asked, suggesting at a very simple looking coffee shop. "They're nothing special, but it's become a habit of mine to get a drink here." There was a pause, Haru had that look again. That look that meant he just hopped on another train of thought.

  
"So you always get a drink here?" Haru asked, staring at the shop.

  
"Only on sundays." Rei said, still waiting for a yes or no from Haru.

  
"Do you get the same drink every time?" He asked, still staring at the coffee shop.

  
"N-no. It really depends on my mood... um..." Was it an old man thing to do? Was it cliché somehow? Or maybe Haru didn't like the smell of coffee. Rei wasn't sure but the wait was baffling.

  
"Okay then." Haru said and stiffly walked into the coffee shop, Rei following shortly after.

  
-

  
"All the fuss about going into that coffee shop and you just got an iced tea." Haru sipped at his own tea.

  
"You ordered the same thing! And I wasn't fussing, you were making it difficult." Rei ended with a sigh.

  
"My tea is hot tea and I only made it difficult because you were fussing." A calm retaliation.

  
"I don't fuss!" A flustered exclamation.

  
"You're doing it now." A twitching smile.

  
"Haruka-sempai!" A sign of surrender and then a comfortable silence.

  
The two of them headed towards the train station. Between conversations, window shopping and even exchanged smiles they ended up spending most of the day together. It was unexpected and pleasant and a mark of a new memory, though the two hadn't realized that yet. No one ever really does. At one point Rei wondered if he should walk Haru home, but quickly rejected the idea, partly feeling like Haru spent the day with him out of some strange obligation or boredom. Whatever his reasoning was, Rei liked the company, even if the day was supposed to be for himself.

  
"Thank you, Haruka-sempai." Rei said, the first to break the silence. For a moment, Haru almost forgot where he was, lost in his own thoughts until Rei snapped him back to attention. He looked over to the taller teen, whose unfocused gaze settled on his own drink. "We've never spent time together like this before, it was really nice so," Rei mustered up the guts to look at Haru and smiled. "Thank you, for spending the day with me. I really enjoyed it." If Haru had been sipping his drink at that exact moment he would've choked.

  
There was that light, warm feeling again. Except this time it tickled him from his ears, to the sides of his face, to his stomach, the palm of his hands and to the tip of his toes. It made him nervous and happy and slightly scared at the same time, he darted his attention to the train tracks, figuring if he focused on something else he'd have better control of whatever his body was going through. Or maybe it was his mind. It was a mesh of so many things, Haru wasn't quite sure.

  
"Yeah." He replied, coolly as possible, still not looking directly at Rei. He felt ridiculous for the way he was acting and hoped to the gods that Rei would assume it was just part of Haru's eccentric behavior. His whole self was so out of tune from what he was use to, Haru didn't register the squeak of the trains brakes when it arrive, even though his direction of sight was right at the tracks he didn't really notice anything; too focused with his own musings. He was so caught up he almost missed Rei's departure.

  
"See you tomorrow, Haruka-sempai." Haru snapped his head up, how long had he been staring down at nothing? There was a friendly smile on Rei's face but there was something else too that Haru didn't know what to name but he knew he didn't like it. It felt sad and Haru felt guilt all over again. He didn't even catch a chance to say goodbye before the doors closed.

  
-

  
The entire week Rei hadn't mentioned a thing. He hadn't mentioned about them bumping into each other, or spending time together; he hadn't even talked about the new book he bought! He just laughed like he normally did, he got angry like he normally did, he boasted like he normally did. Hell, even the weird side of him was acting normal! And it bothered Haru for the entire week.

  
It bothered him so much his foot couldn't stop tapping the floor. It was sunday and Haru had been waiting at that regular joe coffee shop him and Rei went to last week. Of course Rei wasn't expecting him because Haru hadn't called and for all he knew Rei might've passed by already but here he was.

 

Waiting.

 

With every person who walked in Haru would look up, and with every person who wasn't Rei, Haru would look back down a bit more defeated. He flipped open the news paper on the small table he was comfortably seated at, wishing he had brought something a bit more entertaining to occupy his time as he waited.

  
If you were to ask Haru why he was waiting at a coffee shop for Rei; who didn't know Haru was waiting for him, Haru wouldn't give you an answer. And the reason why he wouldn't give you an answer was because he didn't know the answer.

  
It started off simple, Haru went on a short walk because he was bored again. So he ventured out on a walk, but during his walk he saw a group of friends enjoying iced coffee. Coffee sounded like a good idea, he hadn't had it in a while. Then the thought of coffee reminded him of the coffee shop Rei went to because it was sunday and Rei said he always got a drink at that coffee shop on sundays. If he went to that coffee shop he'd get coffee and maybe bump into Rei because even if Rei didn't get coffee they still served coffee because it was a coffee shop!

  
_'Coffee it is!'_

  
So there he was, one coffee, a scone, an iced tea and now a smoothie later.

  
_'Maybe every sunday was just a broad way of saying most sundays.'_ Haru thought, almost ready to give up.

  
"Do you mind if I join you?" Haru's heart felt like it jumped, he wasn't expecting someone to talk to him. Looking up it was the very devil he'd been waiting for, Rei.

  
"N-no. Go ahead." He answered, slightly embarrassed at the small mess he had on the table, it took no more than a couple of seconds to clean up though. Haru discarded his trash and returned to his seat. Now that Rei was here, he didn't really know what to say. He probably should have thought this through a bit better.

  
Rei smiled at Haru, "It's a little surprising to see you today, how long have you been here?" he started.

  
"I just got here." Haru lied and Rei still smiled.

  
"How long ago did you just get here?" He teased.

  
"Shut up." A sign of defeat. "You bought another book?" Moving the subject away from himself.

  
"Y-yeah. I finished the last one." A bashful reply.

 

"You'll end up like those old ladies with cats. But with books instead." He teased, Rei shrugged. "Maybe I'll shop for digital books, so I don't end up with a clutter."

  
"Tell me about it," He requested "about the book you just finished. What happened in it?" Haru asked and believed the two hours and thirty-four minutes was definitely worth the wait to see a genuinely excited smile on Rei's face, not that he'd ever admit that to Rei, of course.

 

Haru decided he liked making Rei smiled, not he'd ever tell him that either.

  
-

  
The third sunday Haru had to wait only fifty minutes. The fourth, a mere twenty. Neither of them ever called each other to meet up, they just sort of knew. Each sunday they ventured out somewhere different but the meet spot was always the same. They stayed out later that day, getting lost in conversation and only started heading home when the street lights turned on.

  
It was another comfortable silence as the two walked to the train station, both contentedly lost in their own thoughts whilst in the company of the other. Again, Rei was the one to break the silence.

  
"Haruka-sempai." Rei's fingers fidgeted a bit in the pockets of his jacket. "I got these for you." Rei held out a six piece drawing pencil set, the ones he was looking at the first time Haru accidentally spent nearly an entire day with him. Hesitantly, Haru grabbed them, his palms just a bit sweaty. He was thoroughly surprised but flattered.

  
"Why would you get these for me?" Haru asked bluntly. It wasn't his birthday, not even close to his birthday. There wasn't a special holiday today, so why?

  
"Because they made me think of you." Rei answered, slightly worried if he somehow offended Haru. "T-they're drawing pencils. I'm not sure how different they compare to normal pencils but... you're really good with your hands and you draw beautifully. So it just... I-.... um..." Rei turned red, not sure what to say anymore and feeling completely foolish.

  
Haru on the other hand could practically feel his rapid heart beat all the way up to this throat, it was loud and distracting.

  
"You don't have to use them! You could give them away if you don't like them, it won't bother me, Haruka-semp-"

  
"Thank you." Haru cut Rei off, his heart was still thumping loudly but the weight of shock not holding him down anymore. Haru smiled. "Thank you, Rei."

  
"Y-you're welcome." Rei said, still calming down from his almost-freak out.

  
If Haru had to guess when he started to fall for Rei, it would be the night of the fourth sunday he walked to the station with Rei.


	2. When calamity wins: Also known as the day Haru lost it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two~ Please enjoy!
> 
> Ugh blub blub blub! (҂‾ ▵‾)︻デ═一 \\(˚▽˚’!)/

Thud! _Thud_. th **ud... thUD**. thud. 

 

Silence.

 

tHUD thu **d** **THU _Dt_** _hud_ _thu_ d.

 

Silence.

 

Haru's steps were irregular as he paced in his room. Each step a little different depending on the thought that flowed through his head. He stopped for a moment, and glanced at his bed. The pencil-case from Rei already opened, the tip of one of them starting to dull down from use. A sketch book was dangerously clinging to the edge of the bed, it was left after a few futile attempts of Haru trying to vent out his feelings through art. It ended the same every time, with harsh lines scratching out whatever it was he was attempting to create on paper. He couldn't convey what he was feeling, not through art at least. 

 

Not when his heart was racing and his palms sweaty.

 

 _'They made me think of you.'_   The memory of Rei's words resounded through his ears again, Haru flustered and started pacing again.

 

Haru's revelation of his feelings for Rei made him happy. Ecstatic even! Falling for Rei was not a problem, what was a problem was what Rei would think of it? His friends? Everyone! They were both boys and in the begining when Haru finally realized his feelings, gender didn't even occur to him. He was so caught up in Rei as a person rather than Rei as a man.

 

It was considered gay, but it didn't feel gay. Haru didn't feel gay, he felt normal. It didn't feel like he liked another man, it just felt like he liked Rei. A lot. Rei was selfless, and smart. He was handsome and easy to fluster. Rei always put his best effort into his work and he cared so much about his friends. He was weird and silly and everything inbetween that made Haru smile. He really, really liked Rei but by society norms a man falling for another man is gay no matter what how you felt or what you said about it. Which was fine, Haru never cared for labels and he certainly didn't care what the general crowd would think. What he did care about was how would Rei feel about it. What about his friends? How would they react?

 

And if by some amazing cosmic event that Rei didn't care as much about genders as Haru did, how would he even go about confessing? 

 

Confessing. Ugh. There was another boat ride of rapid heart beating and face melting nerves. Haru set aside his battered sketch book and put the pencils back in their case. He laid down on his bed, stomach down, his back facing the ceiling. He turned his head to the right to see the small bit of night sky from his window, frowning just a bit.

 

 _'Maybe I'll would never get a chance to confess.'_ Everything about this was new, and exciting but it was also ever so slightly heart breaking. He wondered if this was something that he would have to keep to himself for the rest of his life.

 

 _'But I don't want that.'_ He was just starting to open up again, to his friends, to Rei.  Haru was still a quiet person but he wasn't so closed in anymore and he liked it. He didn't want to go back and be reclusive about everything, or just let something roll off his shoulders anymore. He wanted to take chances, he wanted to have fun with his friends, he wanted to be around Rei and he wanted Rei to want to be around him.

 

He tried to calm down, telling himself to just take it one step at a time but it didn't work. No matter what rational plan Haru could come up with, his nerves just wouldn't give him a break. 

 

Haru was terrified because this was more than just finding out he liked Rei. This was a revelation about himself that he knew would have an incredible impact on his life. He could only hope that it would do him more good than bad.

 

-

 

"You're kind of different lately." Nagisa said to Rei, looking up at him from the pool. In the middle of practice they were able to catch some down time. Nagisa stayed in the pool just because it was a nice day, and the water felt great, while Rei opted to sit at the edge. He gave he short friend a confused look, one eyebrow raised just slightly than the other one. What brought this on?

 

"Really? And what makes you say that?" Rei asked him cautiously. It was always a gamble when asking Nagisa to speak his mind.

 

"I don't know, but something is different," Nagisa answered, he lifted himself out of the pool, taking a seat next to Rei. "You're not keeping something from me, are you?" He questioned Rei with the most serious face he could rally up, which really just looked like an angry child's pout.

 

Rei sighed, "No, Nagisa-kun, I'm not keeping anything from you." He replied in a flat tone, partly wondering if Nagisa was scheming in his head and the other part of him wondering what he should get for dinner tonight.

 

"You do seem like something has changed about you, Rei." Makoto joined in the conversation, not too far from ear shot to begin with. Haru disappeared in the locker room, he had one of his 'I want to be left alone' expressions so Makoto decided to let him be for a little while. Taking a seat on the other side of Rei, he flashed him a smile. It was as mischievous as an infamous Nagisa smile which made Rei a bit nervous. "Something about you... it's hard to describe but... it's like you're more at peace." Which was true, Rei really had been a lot more laid back as of late, though he couldn't say the same thing about Haru. If anything Haru had been more jumpy lately, but that was a mystery to solve for another time, for now it was all about Rei.

 

"Oh no, I know that look. Don't even think you two are going to get something out of me because you're not!" Rei tried to scold but he only succeeded in fueling the two boy's curiosity. _'I should have worded that a bit better.'_

 

Makoto had a gleam in his eye and Nagisa wrapped his arms around Rei's shoulders. "Aha! So there is something!" Nagisa grinned. "C'mon, fess up, Rei-chan!" He started rocking Rei and himself side to side. 

 

"I'm not going to fess up to anything because there is nothing to fess up!" Rei retaliated but it had no effect on stopping Nagisa's never ceasing tomfoolery. "Rei~chaaan! I won't let go until you do~" Nagisa moved his arms from Rei's shoulders and snaked them around his torso. Squeezing him tightly and giggling while doing so. Rei placed his hands on Nagisa's shoulders, trying to push him away but his short friend had a grip as tight as a vice, he wasn't going to budge if he didn't want to. 

 

Rei continued to protest and Nagisa continued to aggresively cuddle Rei. He would rub his head on the top of Rei's chest and the crook of his neck just because he knew how much Rei hated feeling wet hair on him. Makoto started to laugh and he laughed even harder when the two struggled enough to fall back in the pool. Rei sputtering water; Nagisa completely unphased.

 

"Please, please, pleeeease! Rei-chan!" He pleaded, rubbing his head into Rei's neck again who was desperately still trying to push him away.

 

"Nagisa-kun! Don't do that! You're hair feels gross!" Makoto was still laughing, gripping his sides. He tried to control himself to help Rei but the convulsions would start-up again and he'd continue to laugh, he didn't even notice when Haru returned from the locker rooms.

 

                                      **_'This is normal for them, it's no big deal.'_**  


 

"Nagisa!" Haru called out sternly, it was like someone cracked a whip in the air. Makoto yelped in surprise, all the laughter that bubbled out of him before instantly vanished. Nagisa and Rei froze. All three of them turned their heads to look at Haru, he looked royally pissed. Eyebrows furrowed together, a deep frown and a cold look in his eye and crossed arms. The glare directed straight at Nagisa and none of them could fathom why, nor did they have the gall to ask. Nagisa's grip stayed around Rei's torso, a little spooked to let go.

 

"Haru-chan?" Was all Nagisa could squeak out of his dry throat. He'd never really seen Haru thoroughly angry and the fact that  Haru pointed his vexation right at him didn't help the feel of shaky nerves. 

 

                        _**'Stop letting it get to you, he acts like that with everyone'**_

 

Makoto was looking up at Haru with a slack jaw, for as long as they'd been friends this was a side of Haru he'd never seen either, at least not out of the blue. He wasn't sure if he should intervene or let things play out. After an eternity and a half, Haru unfolded his arms, walking towards one of the starting blocks.

 

"Stop bothering everyone. It's not funny anymore." His command was cold and deafening even though he didn't shout.

 

"O-okay." Nagisa finally let go of Rei, swimming over to the side of the pool and lifting himself out. Haru's glare was not at the water, listening to the slosh of wet feet walk over to the bench. Then there was another pair of wet feet, following in same suit as Nagisa, he didn't have to look up to know it was Rei going to comfort his friend. 

 

"Haru? ... Are you okay?" Makoto asked, finally finding his voice.

 

"I'm fine." A quick reply. Haru got up on the starting block, adjusting his goggles over his eyes. 

 

                                                _' **It's nothing, don't make a big deal out of it. He's always like that.'**_  


 

"Haru. If something is bothering you, please tell me." Makoto's concern was equally matched up to his concern. He had no idea what to do or what to think. The only thing he did know was that Haru was not okay and he needed to know why.

 

"It's just. Suddenly not a good day." Was all Haru could say, he dived into the pool, praying that the water would wash away all of his jealousy.

 

-

 

The rest of practice was awkward, the only time anyone spoke was when they were calling times or when Makoto would announce the next practice set. Nagisa was completely deflated by the whole thing, it was even messing with his performance. It worried Rei, so on the last set they were going to do for the day, before Nagisa stepped on top of the starting block, he laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

Nagisa look at his friend with a small frown, Rei smiled. "Do your best, Nagisa." No honorifics in his encouragement.

 

Bright, fuschia eyes widened, a small dust of pink graced Nagisa's cheeks. Makoto was on the side with a stop watch. He blinked a few times then smiled, because to him that was a sign of Rei getting closer to the team. His smile disappeared though when he glanced over at Haru, his shoulders were slightly raised up and tucked in a bit, like an angry cat. Makoto couldn't see his face though, but he imagined it wasn't a happy one. ' _Haru?'_

 

                                                                                        **_'It's nothing. It's nothing. Stop over analyzing it.'_**

 

Nagisa looked star struck. That was the first time Rei had even dropped the honorifics in his name and it felt like one hell of a compliment. "Rei-chan." He finally smiled and for just a moment the heavy air just got a tad bit lighter.

 

Haru walked over to Makoto and snatched the stop watch out of his hand. "Haru!" Makoto protested,Haru ignored it. The two younger members of the team looked at Makoto and Haru; Nagisa frowned again, that same glare from earlier, it pointed right at him and it zapped away whatever confidence he had for todays practice.

 

"Get ready, Nagisa." Haru said with a curt bite to his tone. Nagisa's start was a little off, at the end of his lap as he resurfaced his only welcome was a very annoyed Haru.

 

**_'He always act like that. It's not a big deal'_ **

 

"That was too slow do it again." Haru stated. Nagisa complied, his time improved by two seconds on the second lap but Haru still looked angry. "Not good enough, do it again." So Nagisa did another lap because maybe that would get Haru off his back.

 

"The best you'll get is second place, do it again."

 

"You're slacking off. Another lap!"

 

                                                                                                         "You'll be lucky if you get second place with that, another!"

 

Six laps. Nagisa did six laps and he was absolutely winded. _'How many more do I have to do?'_

 

"Still not good enough! Anoth-" Haru started again but stopped mid-sentence when Rei grabbed the stop watch out of his hand. He look at Rei with eyes a bit wide, as if Haru had been slapped right out of a trance. Rei had a neutral expression but his eyes were serious, as if he was trying to scold Haru without words.

 

"That's enough, Haruka-sempai." Rei tossed the stop watch over to Makoto, he then helped Nagisa out of the pool, who had barely caught most of his breath. "You okay?" Rei asked and Nagisa nodded. Six laps wasn't that big of a deal, but at the end of practice it could be very taxing on the body, especially in the high stress environment Haru unconsciously put everyone in.

 

_**'You always give him all your attention, even when he's annoying you the most.'**_

 

A cold, draining feeling surged through Haru's body. He knew exactly what was compelling him to target Nagisa and he couldn't stop himself. This wasn't fair, none of this was fair. Not his jealousy, not Makoto's silence, not Nagisa's frown and definitely not Rei's disappointed look. 

 

**_'He always gets away with it.'_ **

 

"Haru." Makoto finally spoke up. "What's wrong with you today?" He asked, completely worried about his friend. He'd never seen Haru act this way and he couldn't guess why. Silence was all the only answer he received. "Haru?" Makoto tried again and Haru booked it. 

 

"Haru-chan!"

 

"Haruka-sempai!" 

 

**_' Nagisa always acts like that.'_ **

 

He heard the two call out to him, but ignored them. Once in the locker room Haru discarded his swim suit and wrapped a towel around his waist. He started digging through his bag, not bothering himself with a shower. He would take one as soon as he got home anyways, for now he just wanted out and he wanted out fast.

 

"Haru!" Makoto called out again, having follow Haru. "What's wrong? Why are you so upset today, this isn't like you." Haru stopped digging through his bag, his head bowed down just a bit.

 

"Am I not allowed to get upset?" He asked, continuing to dig through his bag for dry clothes.

 

_**' Nagisa is always greedy.'** _

 

"That's not it, Haru." Makoto was at a lost, he didn't know what to say to reach Haru and he couldn't even begin to imagine what he was thinking. "Haru, don't shut me out like this. What's wrong?" He pleaded desperately. 

 

_**'What makes him better than me?'** _

 

"I'll... I'll tell you later, Makoto. I promise. Just please. Just for today." Haru finally looked at Makoto, his eyes were shining with an emotion that Makoto could only relate to as heart ache. "Please don't ask me. I'm... it's... I want to go home."

 

-

 

Nagisa sniffed and wiped away a few tears. He was terribly frustrated and sad. "I don't get it, what did I do? Was I really that bad today?"

 

Rei put a small dry towel on top of Nagisa's head and ruffled his hair with it. "Nagisa-kun, you didn't do anything wrong." He reassured him. "I don't know why Haruka-sempai was so easily irritated with you but it's probably misguided rage. Try not to let it get to you, okay, Nagisa-kun?" Rei flashed a friendly smile, not wanting to see his close friend so distraught anymore.

 

"Nagisa." Rei blinked.

 

"Huh?" 

 

Nagisa looked up, his eyes still a bit puffy and red rimmed. "Earlier you called me Nagisa instead of Nagisa-kun." He sniffled a little.

 

"Oh. Yeah. I did." Rei had recalled it, at the time he did it to cheer up Nagisa because he knew it'd be a form of flattery for his friend. Which he was right, it worked if only for a little while. 

 

"Can you go back to doing that?" Nagisa asked, his voice cracked. Rei looked surprised, he didn't know that such a small gesture would mean so much to Nagisa. His smiled again, because it was endearing that his close friend would be happy just because of an honorific drop.

 

"Yes, I can, Nagisa." Eyes still watery, Nagisa managed a smile and it gave Rei high hopes that his friend would recover soon.

 

-

 

Haru's steps were heavy, his body on auto-pilot as he made his way home. He managed to leave before Nagisa and Rei made it back to the locker rooms, Makoto stayed behind to shower and more than likely to give Rei and Nagisa the reassurance that things will be okay. He said to call him if Haru needed to talk, which he wanted to. Haru really did want to vent to someone because that afternoon really sucked.

 

 _'I just wanted to talk to him.'_ Haru remembered.

 

Sundays shouldn't be the only day that him and Rei could have lengthy conversations, they should be close enough to talk to each other so extensively whenever they wanted to. But seeing Nagisa and Rei so comfortable with each other was a cold slap to the face, it was a cruel reminder to Haru that he really wasn't as close as he'd like to be with Rei. In comparison, they were barely above friends, he was fooling himself. He was the only one who thought they had finally reached a level more than team mates. 

 

 _'I've been barging in on his one day alone this whole time. He's polite to a fault, of course he won't tell him sempai to leave him alone.'_ What a lonely feeling, to fancy someone who didn't even notice you.

 

Nagisa was bright, confident, and bubbly. He was everything Haru wasn't and he was the one that Rei was closest to. He always did things so care-free, he didn't understand how to do that. How to walk up to someone when there were other people around and just start a conversation, how to cling to a person just because they made you happy, how to say 'I love you' so easily. Haru didn't know how to do that and it frustrated him so much.

 

His friend Nagisa was interesting, and Haru was not. In an unused room there was a large mirror posted up on the wall, as Haru entered it he took off his shirt and stepped in front of it, he hadn't really given himself a good look in a while. There was no need to before, he didn't have someone to impress so there hadn't been reason to evaluate himself. Things were different now.

 

He grimaced at his appearance, literally everything about him was opposite to Nagisa, not just in their personalities but in their looks too. His body was kind of slender, almost scrawny. Nagisa was small too but he was at that perfect amount of small that made him 'cute'. Haru was barely interesting, he was nowhere near cute. He sighed and stared at his face.

Nagisa had bright hair, and big bright eyes. 

Haru's eyes were narrow, slanted and cold, his own hair nothing special, just black and straight. _'_

_Maybe I should change my look.'_   He brought both his hands up to his face then pushed his bangs back, and frowned. _'I look stupid.'_

 

He was so ordinary. And boring. And any part of him that was worth talking about could only be considered weird. A water obsessed boy who mostly ate just one type of fish and crafty with his hands. That was it, that was Haru's legacy. How the hell did he even make friends?

 

To see Nagisa - everything he wasn't- clinging to Rei, it sparked something in Haru that he couldn't contain like he normally could. His vindictive attitude towards Nagisa were personal and completely uncalled for but he really just couldn't stop it.

 

_'I just wanted to talk to him, why do you always have to be around his neck? Why does he always let you?' _

 

What a mess.

 

What a blunder.

 

What a shitty friend he was.

 

-

 

"Haruka-sempai isn't here today?" Rei questioned when Makoto made his appearence at their spot on the roof for lunch, minus one Haru. Makoto shrugged his shoulders, the universal 'I dunno I guess' move. Yesterday's scene was strange, Rei had seen Haru angry before but never in such a hostility that Haru displayed the day before. It was worrying and somehow, Rei couldn't shake the feeling that he was partly to blame. He had no logic to the last thought, no reasoning or theory to back it up, it was simply a feeling that wouldn't go away.

 

Nagisa had his cheeks puffed up like a child, "Good. I didn't feel like dealing with him today." Rei narrowed his eyes and grabbed Nagisa's ear, pulling it just a bit. 

 

"Don't put yourself in an attitude that makes this situation worse than what it actually is, Nagisa." Rei wasn't taking sides, he just wanted Nagisa to not get riled up anymore than he already had been for the first half of the day. His small friend had exchanged his tears from yesterday to rants and huffs for today and Rei did not appreciate it one bit.

 

"Don't treat me like a child!" Nagisa pouted.

 

"Then stop acting like a child!" 

 

"Please stop, you two." Makoto intervened, not wanting another fight to start, though Rei gave him an apologetic look he was thoroughly ignored by Nagisa.

 

"Haru-chan is the one acting like some pompous bra- OW!" That got him a real good tug on the ear.

 

Rei gave Nagisa a stern look, not accepting any of his bitter temper today. "He's upset and I know that doesn't justify his actions but you should try to find out what's wrong instead of blindly retaliating back with petty insults." Rei finally released his ear, "Besides, he's your friend, Nagisa. Don't you think that's more than enough reason to forgive him?"

 

Nagisa sighed, he really hated the way Rei could calm him down when he really wanted to be angry. "I guess," His pout was back, "but why do I have to find out what's wrong with him? That's a job for Mako-chan."

 

"I think Rei is right, Nagisa." Makoto said with his usual beaming smile, "For some reason, whether it was intentional or not, Haru's directed his anger at you. He might bicker again but I think if it's you that asks him, you might find something out that Rei and I can't."

 

Rei flinched, he just realized something he hadn't before. "On second thought let's leave this to Makoto-sempai." He hadn't realized that Nagisa confronting Haru might lead to a fight that may or may not be on a hair-trigger. Really, who wants to see the person that was making them mad? He had a belief that Haru wasn't really upset with Nagisa but there was always room for him to be wrong.

 

"What~ Rei-chan, you just said-"

 

"I know but... You were right, this is a job for Makoto-sempai!" Rei said in a bit of a panic.

 

Makoto scrunched up his nose, he favored Rei's original statement - that Nagisa should ask Haru himself what was wrong - he didn't understand the sudden change of opinion because to him there was nothing wrong with talking it out with your friend. "... But you and Rin confronted each other in the past, and that turned out really well." Makoto brought up while he scratched his head, a little baffled with Rei.

 

Rei recalled that evening, looking back on it now , him and Rin were really close to duking it out. He never shared that part with his friends though and from the sound of it, neither did Rin. "Well... yeah... I guess... but..."

 

"Let's just drop it for now, it'd kind of depressing." Nagisa said and began digging into his bought lunch. Rei tugged at a piece of Nagisa's hair, not to enough to hurt him, it was just light enough to get Nagisa back into a playful mood. As much as he complained about Nagisa's rambunctious ways, it didn't mean he liked to see his friend so distressed. It seemed to have worked, Nagisa looked over to Rei and there was a passing of words without either of them having to utter a sentence, Nagisa smiled just a little bit and Rei gave one right back.

 

 _'Those two always have fun together.'_  Makoto thought. Without Haru there he, Makoto felt left out. He hasn't had much to say these past few days, it'd been harder and harder to read Haru and Rei seemed to have gaining his own place in the group. Makoto was the go-to guy and he'd be lying if he said he didn't like it. He liked attention from his friends, he liked when they went up to him for advice or comfort or even a good laugh.

There were times when he would doubt his own sincerity in his kindness, wondering if he was polite and extra caring just for the attention. But he couldn't really see himself acting any other way so that couldn't be true, Makoto wasn't the type of person to only be kind to someone just to expect something in return. He genuinely cared for his friends, it was just natural to want their attention. 

 

"Hey, Rei." Makoto moved a little closer to the two boys. 

 

"Yes, Makoto-sempai?" He responded, setting down a piece of his meal back into his bento box.

 

"So now that you're using Nagisa instead of Nagisa-kun, does that mean you'll start calling me Makoto instead of Makoto-sempai?" Rei almost choked on his own air, Makoto had those big droopy, bright puppy dog eyes and that excited smile that made a ridiculous contrast to how big the guy was.

 

 _'Like a gentle giant?'_ Rei thought.

 

"... um... well..." That face Makoto was making was really hard to deny. "I... don't think... I... can..." Rei said slowly, then bit his lip.

 

"What? Why?!" Makoto frowned and Rei had to look away. It really did feel like turning away from a puppy, he couldn't look at him or he'd give in.

 

"... It would kind of feel like calling my mother by her first name." Rei mumbled, not even caring that Nagisa was picking at his meal, he had to look away from those damned droopy puppy eyes!

 

"What?! No way! What does that even mean, I'm not your mother! Rei!" He cried out, trying to look at Rei but he would just turn his head a different way. The two looked like two parrots mimicking one another and Nagisa started to laugh with his mouth full of food.

 

"Nagisa, swallow your food first and stop eating my lunch!"

 

"Rei! C'mon, say it!"

 

"Impossible."

 

"It is not!"

 

-

 

It was already the evening, Haru had just dressed himself and started to towel off the water that was dampening his hair. He had wasted away the day, only venturing out to the market to get a few things for dinner, he took a detour through a small park but for the most part, it was a total drab.

 

He was ashamed the way he behaved the day before, acting out so suddenly and all because of a relationship that he knew was too fictitious to have outside of his daydreams. It was only the middle of the week but sunday was approaching faster than normal to Haru. He was so enthusiastic about sunday before, now it just made his stomach sink. There was no way Rei would want to see him after such a hideous display of jealousy. 

 

_'I ruined it.'_

 

He asked for too much and reality spat in his face when he did.

 

_'I should've been content with his friendship.'_

_'I have no right to ask for more.'_

_'There was no way I could have the privilege to be more than your friend.'_

 

The house bell rang, a part of Haru was grateful for the mild distraction from his insidious thoughts. He made his way to the front door, assuming it was Makoto visiting to check up on him. Opening the door, Haru was greeted with the very person who started the plight of his insecurities and doubts.

 

"Nagisa." It was barely a greeting.

 

"Haru-chan. Can I come in?" Haru gripped the handle, his curiosity yielding him from shutting the door in Nagisa's face. Not because he was angry but because he was still mortified with his inability to keep his emotions in check. Stepping to the side, Haru silently granted him permission to enter. The air between the two was stiff, Nagisa rigidly took a seat on the floor in the living room with the small table and Haru followed soon after, situating himself right across from Nagisa. Neither one of them knew what to say, or rather they did but they didn't know how to start.

 

"Everyone was worried about you today." Nagisa broke the silence, a small tug of a smile on his lips.

 

"I wasn't ill, I just didn't want to go to school today." Haru looked away, excuses running through his head a mile a minute. "Too much effort to get out of bed today."

 

"You won't get into a good university with that kind of attitude, Haru-chan." Nagisa was hopelessly tried to joke, he was usually pretty good at lifting up bad moods but this time was a little different. Haru sighed, he leaned his elbow on the table, using the palm of his hand to prompt up his chin. 

 

"Why are you really here, Nagisa?" Nagisa's eyebrows knitted close together, a bit of irritation bubbled up inside him but he kept himself in check, at least as much as Nagisa could.

 

"Why are you so angry with me?" That. Didn't come out as nice as he wanted. Crap. At least he didn't yell it.

 

"It was just a bad day."

 

"Then apologize." It was a command, not a request and it annoyed Haru.

 

"Too much effort." 

 

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa leaned over the table, the entire time Haru hadn't looked at him once, adding insult to injury. 

 

"Go home."

 

He was re-evaluating inviting Nagisa in, an interrogation was not something he wanted right now, not when he was teetering back and forth between stable and absolutely hay wire.

 

"Tell me why you're mad at me!" 

 

"I'm not mad."

 

"Yes you are!"

 

"I said I'm not."

 

"Then what are you?!"

 

Persistence was breaking away at Haru, the notion to run was tempting but he couldn't this time. His mind wouldn't allow him, his inner voice was so loud, yelling at everyone - including himself - so fast, it was hard to focus on anything. His face would flash from hot to cold, like the very poison of his thoughts manifested into hands, raking long fingers from his cheeks down to his chest, then resting like a heavy stone at the very bottom of his stomach.

 

"Haru-chan!"

 

This was ridiculous, his inner voice was so blaring, it clashed with his reasoning - he couldn't

 

h _e shouldn't_

_**confusion                                                    lonely** don't look at me_

_stop asking                                                                                                                         look at me_

_didn't                  go away                  is he **ashamed**_

_Stop clinging to him!                                                       I'm not use to this                                                                Stop letting him!_

_would they disapprove          of me **unnatural**_

 

just say somet _hing                     Sto **p looking**_ **at him**

 

Stop pressuring me   _Stop asking me_

_wouldn't             contempt **rejection**_ **embarrassment**

 

 

 

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa yelled his name again, tired of being ignored. 

 

"I'm jealous!!" Haru snapped, his gaze intently stayed on his fisted hands on the table, he couldn't try to keep a calm demeanor even if the heavens begged him to. Nagisa almost bit his tongue, Haru was jealous? Of what? Small croaks of barely forming words would leave Nagisa but then break, to say he was anything less than bewildered would be the understatement of the year.

 

"Haru-chan. I don't understand. You're jealous? Jealous of what?" He couldn't grasp the idea of Haru feeling jealous. It wasn't in the guys nature, but then again maybe he didn't really know Haru as well as he liked to think.

 

At this point, Haru knew it would be fruitless to try to rebuttal his statement, Nagisa was too determined and he was too tired of holding back.

 

"I'm jealous... of how close of a friend you are to Rei." A shaky and tricky start but a start nonetheless. "When you're around..." _'I barely exist.'_    "I just feel like background noise sometimes."

 

Nagisa nearly flailed, how long has his friend been feeling like this? He couldn't tell if he was that much of an inattentive person or if Haru was that good at hiding his emotions. "But he's your friend too, you shouldn't be jealous!" He protested.

 

"I know!" Haru retorded, "I shouldn't be jealous but I can't help it. I'm not on the same level as you, not even close. You're always the center of his attention, you know how to make him laugh and he's always forgiving when it comes to you. You're important to Rei, he won't forget you. By the time I graduate, I'll just be someone he use to swim with in high school. That's not going to happen with you"

 

"That's not true. Haru-chan! Rei-chan thinks you're swimming is beautiful and you were the closing deal why he joined the swim club in the first place! I don't think he would say or do something like that if you weren't someone remarkable to him." 

 

"Compliments aren't the same thing, Nagisa." Haru lifted his head, the intensity of those blue eyes almost made Nagisa hitch his breath, they were so sad. So sad and dark, he couldn't say anything more and he wouldn't because this was a rare moment for Haru to release whatever was eating him up inside.

 

"I'm not someone important enough to stay in his life."

 

In the thickness of this bizarre and almost inhumane judgement of Haru's own self-worth, Nagisa had a thought. Eyes wide and a bit of slack jaw, this small bit of insight into Haru's mind left him with just one question. 

 

"Haru-chan. Do you like Rei-chan?" 

 

There were several ways to respond to the question. If Haru was a bit more kind to a fault like Makoto, he would answer it with a blush and stuttering words, shyly confessing and smiling the whole time. If he was as out-going as Nagisa, he would have proudly announce his feelings, boasting even.

Hell if it was Nagisa, the question wouldn't be asked in the first place, having beaten the crowd and have shout it out to the world; 'I love Rei-chan!'. If he was passionate like Rin, he would be able to tell you straight forward, sure and confident but probably not as in-your-face as Nagisa would be. It'd be more of a 'I do, got a problem with it?' type of deal.

 

But Haru was none of those things, he was not at constant with himself, he only allowed fleeting moments of courage, anger and love to pass through. 

 

He was a little sheltered. Stoic. Quiet. A little strange and at the moment, terrified.

 

"Don't tell him." 

 

There were things that were easier said than done, this was not one of those things. Words had power to them, they could sometimes do so much more damage than any physical pain could. If Haru was to say that he liked Rei, there could be so much more dread coming his way than just the fear of rejection.

He knew very well that the somber gravity of the situation had the very real possibility of losing his friends, because not everyone was accepting to these types of relationships. These certain types of sentiments were always misunderstood and quite often, they were horrendously ridiculed and mocked. Not that peoples opinions ever mattered to Haru, but his friends opinions... that mattered.

 

"I don't want him to know. I don't want anyone to know!" 

 

He had no one to talk to about these feelings and Haru never envisioned that he would ever have to in his life. Romance of any kind was white noise for most of Haru's life. It existed, he knew what it was, he wasn't a clueless idiot about social statuses, relationships and deemed norms. But because he never pictured it, never truly gave deep thought to it, Haru had the audacious notion that it wasn't so complicated as others made it seem.

 

How horribly wrong he was.

 

"Please don't tell anyone!"

 

If you have ever experienced 'unusual' love then you could understand exactly what Haru was going through.

 

"It's not normal, right? It's freaky, isn't it?!"

 

"Haru-chan, calm down." 

 

And if you haven't you couldn't possibly imagine it.

 

Haru was in panic. "What's wrong with me?" Haru's voice almost cracked, he wasn't crying but that made it so much more heart wrenching. Nagisa couldn't stand it anymore, he shuffled over to his friend, hitting his knee on the edge of the table in his hurry but it didn't bother him. 

 

"Haru-chan, it's okay!" Nagisa held Haru in a tight embrace, his fuchsia eyes were glossy, on the verge of tears. Haru had been in a flurry of emotions and none of them even noticed. It was easy to forget that Haru was just a normal human being because he was so aloof and stoic, but even he had a breaking point. Waves of guilt came crashing down on Nagisa, any bit of exasperation he had towards Haru earlier that day had vanished.

 

"There's nothing wrong with you, really there isn't!" Nagisa wasn't entirely sure what to say to comfort Haru, this was a fragile moment, it could easily head south if he didn't choose his words wisely. 

 

"There's nothing wrong with you, Haru-chan." Nagisa repeated for good measure. Haru was so stiff in his arms, it was like trying to calm a petrified cat. His breathing was shallow, and Nagisa could swear that when Haru would hold his breath every so often, it was an indication that he was gaining the courage to say more. Time felt slow but from the aching feel of their limbs more must've passed by than either of the two boys realized. 

 

"Haru-chan?" A twitched of an arm told Nagisa that Haru was listening.

 

"You'll be okay. Okay?" 

 

Haru remained silent. Still distraught and upset but he didn't feel so alone. Not with Nagisa next to him. Amongst all the fear and doubts in Haru's head, in the back recess of his mind, he was extremely grateful for friend like Nagisa. Haru reminded himself to thank him later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was total angst, but they're teenagers so it's normal, I guess.
> 
> I really wanted to let Haru's emotional side show in this chapter, it's a side of him that I feel isn't always explored because it's easy to fall out of character. I don't think people are just a permanent set of emotions though, we all get a little out of character sometimes.
> 
> I also wanted to high light the importance of how much stress a teenager can go through when discovering their sexuality. There's always a pressure to label what sexuality they are and while some may find solace in identifying themselves with descriptive definitions, I think it mostly just takes a tole on a person to feel the need to find reasoning and explanation about something that just feels natural to them.
> 
> Also I needed a reason for Nagisa to give Haru a big 'it's okay, friend' type of hug!  
> p(*＾-＾*)q
> 
> Feel free to ask me any questions, oh and I promise the next chapter will be a lot happier! Eventually, I'm going to do a chapter with mainly the point of views of Rei and others. Hugs and kisses! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, thank you so much! ~~旦_(･o･;)
> 
> All these guys care for each other very much but it's fun to explore the anguishing side of love and friendship, right! (´▽`ʃƪ)


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